DrunkenWriter (rustyimmelman) wrote,

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Definition of Terms

Definition of terms:

Ed. Note: The definitions for the following several terms have been
provided to the reader to serve as a mini-gazetteer which will aid them greatly
in understanding the ongoing battle between the Forces of Hopes and Dreams and
Bar-dom, a battle which (in spite of its obvious futility) is fought nightly.
As of yet, the Forces of Bar-dom have yet to be defeated.

(or "'tard") Sack
: Although frequently confused
with the infinitely more rare (and extremely evil) usage known as "Corky's
Coinpurse," the Retard Sack actually refers to the mythological magic
burlap bag (labeled "Retard," from which the sack derives its name)
from which various individuals are ejected or tumbled out of immediately
prior to performing an act or actions of audacious stupidity. Frequently
employed to describe drunken freak-outs and other immense failures of judgment
involving the consumption of massive amounts of alcohol, an individual can
actually "fall from the sack" multiple times over the course of one

Usage: "I just fell out of the retard sack." or "I
was in the retard sack all night last night."

Girlfriend (
see also:
Paper-Plate Award
: Coined by Smashley to define the
boundaries of my own prospective dating history, the term finds its origins in
a complex confluence of lexigraphic and entomological curiosities. Chief among
them, however, is the mysterious quotation from an as-yet unidentified comedy
show [Ed. Note: the earliest instance of which that I am aware of comes from Mystery
Science Theater 3000
]. In the gag, the speaker turns to a friend (or
possibly a family member) after breaking something and says "You see! This
is why I can't have nice things!" This phrase was invoked frequently by my
Dead Girlfriend as a prophetic explanation for why her social life (esp. her
social life in relation to my own) will always be the source of much shame and
disappointment. Upon hearing my own invocation of the phrase (while bitching
about a catastrophic encounter during which I attempted to initiate
communication with a Miller Lite Girl), Smashley retorted by saying that I'll
have to get a paper-plate girlfriend, the implication of course being that, if
I were to get a bone-china girlfriend, I would simply break her and cry.

Usage: “I need a new paper-plate girlfriend.”

Award (see also: Paper-Plate Girlfriend)
: Award received for any act of
spectacularly poor judgment during which the recipient has destroyed one of (if
not the only) object of their affection and desire.


Usage: “Bob got shitfaced last night and won the
paper-plate award.”


Piece of mythological armor similar in style and decoration to
the helmet worn by Evil Kinevil but with the addition of a large piece of white
tape on which the word “Tard” (or “Danger: I’m Retarded”) is written in large
capital letters with a black (or occasionally red) Sharpie. As much for the
protection of the wearer as for those around him or her, a person is strapped
into the tard helmet by friends or concerned bystanders after the individual
has demonstrated a significant lack of the ability to consider the consequences
of one’s own actions (esp. during protracted amounts of time at the bar or
prolonged episodes of bar-hopping). Unfortunately, the tard helmet is rarely
(if ever) worn before the individual causes damage to themselves, others, or
parts of the band’s equipment (usually an amplifier). In the case of Smashley,
however, the tard helmet comes with a complimentary bottle of Jameson Irish
Whiskey which is placed under the helmet in the hopes of inducing her to strap
herself in (which, as of the time of this writing, has yet to have happened
according to the accounts of all witnesses).


Usage: “I wish I’d been wearing the tard helmet before I
decided to dance on the bar.”


2. An insult for one
who frequently experiences problems with equilibrium, balance, and gravity in


Usage: “Uh-oh: Smashley needs the tard helmet again.”


Bad-Touch (see also: Scary The Clown)
: Term referring in part to every
stripper’s creepy, child-molesting uncle, or to some invocation of the spirit
of that person. Also: any creepy person who exhibits stalker-like
behavior. The term finds its origins from a list of fake, satirical video-games
composed by several beleaguered journalists covering the industry at a
gathering after E3.


Usage: “Oh no, I think Uncle Bad-Touch is going to tell
that girl a story.”


Scary The Clown: See cit. for “Uncle

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::giggles and blushes::

These are going into heavy hipster rotation effective immediately.

Good to have yez back!